Something to think about

After careful thoughts and meditation, I've come to a conclusion... that everything in life is so tangled and every decision you make some what influence your future. If you're the type that like to play is safe, you'll always make your decision based on fear. If you're the type that likes risks, you'll always make your decision based on your unforseen opportunities - even if they may include failure.

As I had previously hinted, I was and still am confused about what the hell it is i have to live my life for, and god be damned it's the only thing in this world that I don't have a certain answer about. And - I hate uncertainties. For my entire highschool life - I had been majorly influenced by parentals who had taught me to lived my life in the safe zone. I prepared myself - years before I enter university, trying to be more advanced or a step forward then my fellow classmates - preparing to be that special somebody through my achievements. I worked hard and so dilligently; only to find I'm evermore insecure, unhappy and unwilling to try anything new. Afterall, I was only a kid (16 to be exact) when I finished highschool - It was OK for kids that age to be confused, angry and naive. As I entered university - my point of view started to change, and so did myself. At first I couldnt accept the change that I was going through - but in a way, I loved it. I loved rebelling against the most important thing I stood for - ("To work hard and be "somebody", that way - you'll earn all the respect and money you need in this life"). And with that, came rebellion against my parents, the terms "religion, being religious" (sigh - this is a long story, let's not get that involved) and rebellion against the "good girl" image that is stamped on my forehead. I hated everybody, I always wondered why I was never happy - even when I had a loving boyfriend and loving parents.

Then, I hit my 20th year of being alive and so my quarterlife crisis kept on. I was constantly stressed, tired and lacking in motivation. I wanted to always wag university cuz it doesn't carry any particular importance to my life and it's not like I really want to do honours. I felt like I was in a circle, in a tangled confusion and anger towards everybody that was close to me. So literally, nothing could excite me anymore - I thought I had no reason to stay alive. Until this morning, I had a little chat to my dad - something that doesn't happen too often, but will last forever. I can always connect to him and I knew I can trust and count on him - eventhough I had resented all the things he had implanted in me about "becoming somebody" eversince I could remember. We talked about life, about relationships, about career, about having a family, about problems we face each day, even about Israel and the Holy Temple. We shared our thoughts and he explained to me why he taught me to be the way I am now. And, i understood - I understood that he was just as insecure as I am, but in a different angle. He was feeling uneasy about things like, us being still young and how we'll still need him around to support us financially, eventhough he's tired and doesnt want to work anymore. He was also feeling worried what happens when he retires, like nothing to live for anymore - especially when his kids are gone to have their own life, he'll have no body to talk to him and take care of him. He's worried that he'll get frustrated because he has nothing to do. All these years, he felt that he never deserved a break from working so hard everyday because he's worried about us: me and my sister. And all these years, I've been so angry towards him for so many of my selfish reasons, when all he did was to support us, be there for us when we need him the most and wish us the best in life so we can live a better life than him. And I've been so selfish to realise it. :( I'm really sorry pi, please forgive me.

Anyway, I wrote this for all of you who had been in my situation or may not. Just think for a while about your parents - think about what your and their futures are going to be like and how you're gonna treat them. Take the time to talk to them because before you know it they may be gone forever. I hope this story can give a little input in the life of our parents, and give us a little more understanding why they do the things they do.